A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman.

A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite."


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about three whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

not fly

The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly." 

Before the store opened

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

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I can't hear out of my left ear

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

Three famous surgeons

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."

"That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."


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I finally gave up

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home.

Imitate birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

Bruno bit the mail carrier

In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder.

"We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card."

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my first job

Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.

I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.

where were you Monday and Tuesday

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

A very bad impression

Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

I should have brought my wife

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

A very bad impression

Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

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I should have brought my wife

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

A Soldier's Idea

Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.


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It stands for cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

You just shut that door

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

An old gentleman

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!


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We're still on the ground

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

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Two trips

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."

Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

Give me whatever you prefer

Give me whatever you prefer
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
"Cloth of leather?" asked the salesperson.

"Makes no difference, "replied customer.
"What color?" asked the clerk.
"Any," he responded.
"Size?"
"Give me whatever you prefer," the gentleman said, slightly
exasperated. "My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them."

So is the cat

So is the cat
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
" What\'s in your box?" asked the friend.

"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I\'ve been dreaming about mice at night and I\'m so scared! This cat is to catch them."
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

Mom\'s here

Mom\'s here?
One evening I drove my husband\'s car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
 most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom\'s here?"



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Usually brown

Usually brown
THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."

Are you single

When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
    "Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
    "So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"

The Cheater

The Cheater
Donald was not very good at math.
He could not understand the teacher's explanations.
Even when the teacher explained something a second time,Donald still could not understand it.
"Never mind,"Donald told himself."I'm quite good at other subjects.I'll cheat in the math exam,then I won't be in trouble."
"I'll sit next to the boy who's best at math,"he thought,"and copy down his answers."
The day of the exam came, and Donald sat next to Brian Smith,who always was at the top of the class in math.
Donald carefully copied Btian's answers on to his own exam paper.
At the end of the exam, the teacher collected the papers and graded them.
Then she said,"Well,boys and girls,I've decided to give aprize to the student who got the highest grade.It's difficult for me to decide who to give the prize to, however, because two students, Donald and Brian,got the same grade."
"Let them share it,"one of the other student said.
"I've thought about that," the teacher said,"but I've decided to give the prize to Brian."
Donald was angry when he heard this.
He stood up and said,"That's not fair.I got the same grade as Brian."
"That's ture,"the teacher said."However, Brian's answer to Question 18 was'I don't know'.Yours was 'Neither do I'."


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Bad Business

Bad Business
A salesman was chatting with the owner of a motel."Business is terrible,"said the motel owner."Really bad."
"But every time I drive by here you have the 'no vacancy' sign on."said the salesman.
"That's true."replied the motel owner."But I used to turn away 30 to 35people a night.Now, I only turn away 10 to 15."

A Prospective Horse Buyer

A Prospective Horse Buyer
Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A propective buyer was impresses with the animal,but the preacher said,"I must warn you-he only responds to 'church talk'. Go is'Praise the Lord', and stop is'Hallelujah'".
"I've worked with horse all my life," said the buyer,"and I've never heard of anything like this." Mounting the horse,he said skeptically,"Praise the Lord." The horse began to trot. He repeated"Praise the Lord" and horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled"Hallelujah", and they came to a stop a foot from the edge.
Wiping the sweat from hid brow, the buyer said,"Praise the Lord!"

This Hole in the Ground

This Hole in the Ground
There was once a farmer who lived near a road.
It was not a busy road, but from time to time, cars passed the farm.
Near the farm gate, there was a large hole in the road.
This hole was always full of water,and the drivers of the cars could not see how deep the hole was. They thought it was probably shallow.
Then when they drove into the hole, they could not drive out because it was so deep.
The farmer did it, he pulled her car out with his tractor and charged the driver a lot of money for doing this.
One day, the driver of a car said to him,"You must make a lot of money pulling cars out of this hole night and day."
"Oh,no,"the farmer said."I don't pull cars out of the hole atnight. All night I fill the hole with water."

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The Mistaken Father

The Mistaken Father
The morning following the birth of our first child, my husband was mistakenly directed to the room of another new mother on the maternity floor. As he walked into the room, he bent over the napping mother, whose back was turned to him, and gave her a big kiss. The woman was started to see a stranger. But before she could say anything, my husband smiled and said,"I didn't know having a bady would change you this much!"

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That's What They All Say

That's What They All Say
While sitting on the bleachers during my youngest son's baseball game, I overheard another mother talking about her three-year-old daughter, who was playing with a neighter's boy. The little girl kept saying to the boy,"Marry me. Marry me." The little boy innocently replied,"I want to play first."
At this,the mother turned to all of the parents on the bleachers and announced,"That's what they all say!"

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A Midshipman

A Midshipman
One of my fellow midshiopman at the US. Naval Acade my was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling."Your marks are deplorable!" the officer scolded."Is there a problem that has kept you from your studies?"
"No,sir," the midshipman replied."I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I'm never late to class. I don't even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don't seem to like me."
The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked," Do you get enough sleep?"
My classmate replied,"Sir, do you mean at night or in class?"

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Not Here

Not Here
Kathy and Polly were friends, but they liked playing tricks an each other.
One day kathy met Polly in the street. She said,"Hi, polly. It's good to see you."
"How can you see me when I'm not here?"Polly asked.
"What do you mean, you are not here?" Kathy asked." Of course you're here."
"No,I'm not."Polly said."and I'll bet you ten dollars that I can prove I'm not here."
"All right."said Kathy."Ten dollars. Now prove you're nothere."
"Easy," Polly aid,"Am I in Hong Kong?"
"No,"said kathy.
"Am I in Paris?"
"No," said Kathy.
"If I'm not in Hong Kong and I'm not in Paris," Polly said,"then I must be somewhere else.Right?"
"Right," said Kathy."You must be somewhere else."
"Exactly." said Polly."And if I'm somewhere else I can't be here, can I? Ten dollars, please."
"That's very clever, Polly," Kathy said,"but i can't give you ten dollars."
"Why not?" asked Polly."We had a bet."
"Certainly we bad a bet." Kathy said," but how can I give you ten dollars if you are neo here?"
And with a laugh she walked away.

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The Story of a Snail

The Story of a Snail
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergeney room, he was asked what caused the accident.
"I really can't remember," the snail repied."You see, it all happened so fast."

Point of No Return

Point of No Return
My husband ordered home delivery of our local newspaper. Because we live in rural area where no street numbers are used, I was concerned that the carrier would have trouble finding us. Sure enough, we missed delivery several days despite frequent calls to the circulation department. Finally I phoned to cancel the subscription." You'll have to tell me your exact location," the woman in the line said."We can't cancel the subscription unless we know where you live.

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On Me a Favor

On Me a Favor
The mechanic was very busy when I took my car in for repairs, so I settled down in the waiting room with a book I'd brought along. The mechanic was in and out answering calls, and at one point he stopped and looked at me. "Would you do me a favor and flip back a few pages when someone comes in? That way it won't look as if you've been here all day."

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Good Thing He Has You

Good Thing He Has You
While I was talking to a parent of one of my third-grade studengts, another teacher walked by. The mother, remarking how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she paused and added,"Good thing he has you."

The Very Last Birthday

The Very Last Birthday
When I was approaching 50, I announced to my three grown children that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday and that they could phone me instead of sending a gift. At first they protested, but finally they agreed to go along with my wish. So when the doorbell rang on the morning of my birthday, I was surprised to see the florist delivering a huge, beautiful plant. Suddenly, without a word, she rushed back to the truck and, with a sad look, turned once to glance at me. Puzzled, I read the card attached to the plant:"To Mom-with lots of love-on your very last birthday."

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Wouldn't You Know

Wouldn't You Know
I accompanied my eight-months-pregnant wife to her monthy checkup. We boarded the hospital's elevator to go to the appropriate floor. The only other passenger was an elderly man who studied her intently and then said,"Boy."
Without another word,he got off at his floor.I was about to tell my wife how strange I thought he was acting when suddenly I realized she was wearing a T-shirt sporting the "Guess?" logo.

A Call from a Frog

A Call from a Frog
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says,"This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No,"says the psychic."Next semester in her biology class."

The Judge's Pistol

The Judge's Pistol
One day Mel Martin stopped by the chambers of a judge with whom he had lunch appointment. As his friend changed from robe jacket, Martin noticed a shiny black pistol holstered to the judge's shoulder.
The judge was not a frearms enthusiast, so Martin asked him why he was carrying it. His friend said that because of recent threats he had borrowed the pistol from the repository of confiscated weapons. Holding it up,the judge said,"I chose this one because it's so mean-looking,yet it hardly weighs a thing. I hope I don't need it, because I don't even know how to load it."
"It's not hard,"Martin said,examining it closely."We can fill it at the water fountain on the way out."

The Shepherd and the Bureaucrat

The Shepherd and the Bureaucrat
A bureaucrat was hiking when he came upon a shephend tending a large flock. The bureaccrat took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many there are, may I have one?" The shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number, so he agreed.
The bureaucrat guesses,"You have 287 sheep." The shepherd was astonished, since this was exactly right.
"Can I pick out my sheep now?" asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the bureaucrat slung it over his shoulders to carry home.
The shrpherd got an idea." If I guess your occupation,"he said,"May I have my sheep back?" The bureaucrat was surprised figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along."You're a bureaucrat," announced the shepherd.
Amazed, the bureaucrat asked,"How did you know?"
The shepherd replied,"Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."


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The Long and Short of It

The Long and Short of It
Although I had never met him, I knew that my grand father had been five feet, six inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feel, eleven inches. As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together. "Grandma," I asked, "how could you have fallen in love with a man five inches shorter than you ?"
She turned to me. "Honey," she said,"we fell in love sitting down, and when I stood up, it was too late."

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