You Let Me Search Quite

You Let Me Search Quite
Once upon a time, there was a man sho always forgot things. One day, he wwent out with his little son. He was so happy that he put the son ride his neck.
After a time, he suddenly thought of his son, he asked people:"Have you seen my child?"
One of his villages laughed and said:"Don't you know he is on your neck?"
Hearing this, the man took down his son from his neck, he was so angry that he hit the son in the face; then shouted:"I have told you not to go here and there. Where did you go just now?


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Ways and Means

A man handed a pair of slacks to the department store clerk. "I'd like these altered, please," he said. The clerk asked for the sales receipt, but after searching his pockets, the man replied he han lost it.
The clerk informed him that it was store policy not to do free alterations without a receipt.
"Okay,then," the man said,"I'd like to return the slacks."The clerk processed the return and gave him cash equaling the cost of the slacks.
The man pushed the money back across the counter. "Now I want to buy the slacks,"he said. The clerk ranf up the sale, bagged the slacks and handed them to him with a receipt.
Triumphantly,he put the slacks and the receipt in the counter."I'd like to have these altered,please."

Pears and Plums & She is Left-handed

Pears and Plums
I bought some pears at my local supermarket. At the checkout counter the cashier commented, "Oh, dear, I've charged you for plums instead of pears." "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well," she said,"plums are smaller and round."

She is Left-handed
A married souple, both avid herve leger dresses golfers, were discussing the futher one night."Honey," the wife said," if I were to die  and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"How about our car?" continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
 "What about golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

The Big Bady

The Big Bady
"You'll have to take care of the bady today," a woman told her husband."I'm not feeling well."
"Then you must stay in bed and rest,dear."her husband said."I'll be pleased to look after our bady."
"Thank you. I'll have a quite day and I'll soon get better."his wife like herve leger dresses told him.
"Shall I do the shopping for you as well?" her husband asked.
She was very pleased and said,"That will help me very much. I'll give you a list of things to buy."
She wrote out the list and gave it to him.
"You can get all these things at the supermarket," she said.
"You can put the bady in the shopping cart, then you won't have to leave him outside."
The man took the bady to the supermarket and put him in the shopping cart. Then he pushed the shopping cart along the rows of things to buy and looked for those that were in his list.
At first all was well, but then the bady began to cry.
Then he started to scream.
And scream! And Scream!
"Keep calm, George," the man said."Don't get excited. Don't shout, George. Don't lose your temper, George."
A woman in the supermarket heard him saying these things, She walked up to him.
"I think you are wonderful," she said." You are so patient with your little George."
"Madam,"the man said,"I'm George. He's Edward."

My Roommate & I Can't Stop Now

My Roommate
My roommate was interested in a young man in her English literature class, but she was too shy to let him know. One day she overheard him say he was on his way to the library for a certain book.
She rushed to the library, found the book and stuck in it a letter from her mother.
"Why would he want to read a letter from my mother?" I asked.
"He wouldn't, but if he's any kind of gentleman, he'll return it to me." Her dorm and room numbers were on the envelope, of course.
The next day he appeared with the letter and asked my room-mate out on a date."Couldn't fail," she later told me."The book was Great Expectations."

I Can't Stop Now
The woman in herve leger bandage dress ahead of me in a long line at the department of motor vehicles was reading a paperback romance novel. I inched along behind her and when her turn finally came, she stepped aside, saying "You go on ahead. I can't stop now. He's just carried her into his castle!"

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A Stubborn Horse & Looking for a Companion

A Stubborn Horse
The great novelist had gone mad, but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For six months, he had been sitting at his type writer pounding out a novel. Fianlly, he pronounced it completed and brought the book to his psychiatrist, who eagerly began reading it aloud:"General Jackson leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled, 'Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, giddyap..." The doctor thumbed through the rest of the manuscript. "There's nothing here but 500 pages of giddyap!"he exclaimed.
"Stubborn horse," explained the writer.

Looking for a Companion
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate:"I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer:"Marry a penguin."

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Get a Job & 12 Post Cards

Get a Job
One day shortly after I had come home from college, my father was outside doing yard work. He found a bady bird under a tree and assumed it had fallen from its nest. Wanting to return the tiny creature to its home, my dad went to get a ladder. When he got back, he found another bady bird on the ground.
Suddenly he heard a loud chirping from above. Looking up, my father saw the mother bird giving a third baby the boot from its nest. With that, Dad walked into our house, took one look at me watching television and barked, "Get a job!"

12 Post Cards
My teen-age daughter was preparing to return home after having visited her grandparents for a few weeks one summer. Her grandfather gave her 12 post cards.
"Here, write us a few lines every month," he said.
Months passed and the cards remained unused-that is until the day this letter arrived:
"Dear Jennifer,
Life is a series of stages.
As a child, I looked forward to becoming a teenager-that happened.
As a teen-ager, I looked forward to becoming a young man-that happened.
As a young man, I looked forward to meeting a young woman, falling in love and becoming a married man-that happened.
As a married man, I looked forward to becoming a father-that happened.
As a father, I looked forward to becoming a grandfather to beautiful, intelligent grandchildren-that happened.
Then I looked forward to the day they would learn to write-that hasn't happened yet.
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I'm a Police Officer & A Business Trip

I'm a Police Officer
When my husband, jack, was a police officer, he once approached a home guarded by two ferocious dogs. They lunched at the screen door with such force that it opened, and they tore out into the yard.
Thingking quickly, Jack stepped into the house, closing the door tightly behind him. "It's all right, ma'am," he reassured the homeowner. " I'm a police officer."
"Not a very brave one," she observed.

A Business Trip
On a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived at the airport in Dilhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he was greeded by his hospitable Indian host. The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare, which seemed reasonable, so my friend handed him the money.
But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worhtless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. The host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return.
As the taxi sped off, the host gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how his trip had been. "Fine," the bussinessman replied, "until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."

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A Plumber & A Tough Teacher

A Plumber
My daughter Jude, who works for a plumbing company, found herself in need of a plumber at home. When she got to work, she asked that a plumber be sent. For several days her request was ignored.
In desperation, as she departed ine afternoon she left her boss this note:" I will come to work in the morning as soon as a plumber gets to my house." One arrived shortly before 7 a.m.

A Tough Teacher
A school teacher friend of mine in jurred his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. On his first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he was assigned to teach the most undisciplined class. Stepping confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible. Just then, a strong breeze made his tie flag. Trying to fix the tie, he took a blackboard eraser and hammered a large tack through his tie into his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

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A Woman Who Fell & My Wife Thinks So

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal. As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman who wore a herve leger dress sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.I think she like the fashionable herve leger dresses. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women falling at your feet?"

My Wife Thinks So
Reading water meters in an unfamiliar part of town, I came upon a house with no number. Then I noticed an elderly man gardening at the first house on that block.
"Excuse me," I said to him. "Are you Number One?" He smiled and replied, "My wife thingks so!"

I've Just Bitten My Tongue & Savingg Grace

 I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue!"

Savingg Grace
Vacationing in Hawaii, I brought a lot of herve leger dresses ,my husband and I went out to dinner one night at one of its finest restaurants. When presented with the check, my husband reached into his pocket for his wallet, but somehow lost his balance and fell over. As the people at the table looked on in astonishment, he said,"The food was delicious-but wait till you get your bill!"

I Want to Get Out & I Never Work after Supper

I Want to Get Out
A bat owner locked up his place at 2 a.m. and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. "What time do you open up in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. "Listen," the owner shouted, "there's no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let a person in your condition in ."
" I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I want to get out."

I Never Work after Supper
A boss who have a store of herve leger dresses didn't want his staff to stop working. One morning, he told the staff, "It's such a nuisance to come in from the shop, wash up for lunch and take time to eat. Why don't we save time and eat lunch now?"
The staff agreed. The boss's wife brought in some cold meat and fried potatoes, and the staff ate again.
When he had finished, the boss said, "While we're still at the table, let's have supper too." He was now served steak, boiled potatoes and mixed vegetables, and he ate once again.
"Now that the meals are out of the way, " the boss announced, " we can go out and work all day without interruption."
"Oh, no," the staff answered. " I never work after supper."

It Seemed like Hours & Mother's Feet

It Seemed like Hours

As a band instructor at an elementary school, I require my students to turn in practice sheets signed by their parents so I can be sure they are putting in enough time. I had to laugh, however, when one parent wrote on her child's sheet, "Practiced 17 minutes, but it seemed like hours."


Mother's Feet
To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about the herve leger dresses. As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet. My mother had been talking for about a half hour when to her great embarrassment: she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.

A Pleasant Surprise & A Clever Dog

A Pleasant Surprise

A friend of mine had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.
A few days later a neighbor came over to visit my friend. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."



A Clever Dog
A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a paper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper.
"How much did you give him?" asked the owner.
"Five dollars."
"Well, that explains it. When you give him five dollars, he gose to a movie."

A Challenging Hunt & You're Not Going to Make It

A Challenging Hunt

   A woman answered her front door and found two boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we are on a treasure hunt, and we need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dallar."
   "Wow," the woman replied, "who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
   "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."


You're Not Going to Make It
   Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.
   "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said," but there are three things you can do to ensure his sursival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day.
   On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
   "Im sorry," she said, "but you're not going to make it."

Whose Dog Was the Smartest & What Will Be the Headine

Whose Dog Was the Smartest

   Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest. The first man, an engineer, called to his dog, "T Square, show your stuff." The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.
   The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule, go ahead." The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled opened a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.
   The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fright, took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.
   The last man was a goverment worker. "Coffee Break," he hollered to his dog, "go to it." With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.


What Will Be the Headine

   When a man in Macon, Ga, came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
   The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
   "Well, then," the reporter said, " the headling will probably say,'Geotgia Man saves Child by Killing Dog.'"
   "Actuallyn" the man said,"I'm from Connecticut."
   "In that case," the reporter said in a huff," the headline will read, 'Yankee kills Family Pet.'"

I'm Going to Let My Chauffeur Answer It & Where Do You Want These Blinds

I'm Going to Let My Chauffeur Answer It
   A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heared your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the right off."
   "Sounds great," the scientist said.
   When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled in the back now. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
   "Yes," said one proffessor. Then he launched into a highly technicial question.
   The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied, "so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it."

Where Do You Want These Blinds
   A drill sergeant orderer two young female recruits to paint a room in the barracks, stressing that they not get any paint on their uniforms. Doubtfuly they could avoid ruining their clothes, the women locked the door, stripped naked and painted in nude. After about an hour they heard a knock at the door.
   "Who is it?" asked one of the women.
   "Blind man," came the reply. Seeing no harm in letting a blind man in, they opened the door.
   "Wow, what knockouts!" the man said with surprise. "now, where do you want these blinds?"