the only ones for it

3. The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday， the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So， in a whisper， he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven，please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated"， the minister shouted at the top of his voiced， "All those who want to be with the devil， please rise."

Awaking with a start， the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit， "Well， sir，" he said， "I don’t know what we’re voting on， but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

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draw out all of his savings

2.A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation，" she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river， fishing. He loses his balance， falls in， and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion， knows that he can’t swim， and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked， "to draw out all of his savings?"

Would you like to meet her

1.When the young waitress in the café in Tom’s building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered， for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over， she asked， "Are you single?"

"Why， yes，" Tom replied， smiling at her broadly.

"So is my mom，" she said. "Would you like to meet her?"


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take my appearance and yourwisdom

Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could combine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． “With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．”

Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，“But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？”

it should be all right

In   the  tea  party  in  honor  of  the  seventy-fifth  birthday  of  W? S? Churchill , a junior  reporter who cherished（怀有感情） a  feeling  of  infinite respect to  Churchill  and said :" I hope  I  can  anticipate  in    your birthday celebration again next year." Churchill  reacted readily to  the words with  various  interpretations（解释）:" I find your body  so  strong,   it  should  be  all right."

Prepare yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

kissed him on both cheeks

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks. 



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Do you prefer paper or plastic

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"

"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"



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I'm flunking math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.

write it down

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

Perseverance is a virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

on communism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."


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spirit of the joke

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

I don't even know that woman

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

the same service

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me."

"I don't know what you're complaining about," said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

the picture of the cheese

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

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How do they know they're really twins

Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress my Mom. I brought her to Las Vegas for dinner at Caesar's Palace. Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $45."

"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked. "I know how much you like lobster."

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?"

My attorney will be there

A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.