the last one washes the dishes at home

Mr. and Mrs. Jones very seldom go out in the evening, but last saturday, Mrs. Jones said to her husband, "There is a good film at the cinema tonight. Can we go and see it?"

Mr. Jones was quite happy about it, so they went, and both of them enjoyed the film.

They came out of the cinema at 11 o'clock, got into their car and began driving home. It was quite dark. Then Mrs. Jones said, "Look, Bill. A woman's running along the road very fast, and a man's running after her. Can you see them?"

Mr. Jones said, "Yes, I can." He drove the car slowly near the woman and said to her, "Can we help you?"

"No, thank you," the woman said, but she did not stop running. "My husband and I always run home after the cinema, and the last one washes the dishes at home!"


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Good-by, Money

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."


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a multimillionaire

CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."

Assistant: "What were you before?"

CEO: "a multimillionaire."

Because I'm small

Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."


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things have been okay

A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"

"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."

he could not say a word

Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.

One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.

"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.

"Six for five cents."

"But I don't want six apples."

"How many apples do you want?"

"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."

"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.

"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."

Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.


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you've come to live with us

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"



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I'm trying to copy him

Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?

Johnnie:She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.

I told her three

Mother asked her little boy, "Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?"

"Nothing, Mum," answered the son proundly, "instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three."

I'm glad

A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"

"Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone glad yesterday."

Well done. Who was that!"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, ad stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home.' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"


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I put in my geography exam

Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"

because it's empty

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

he's conned for a treat

As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.

Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.

"An ice-cream cone. Why?"

"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"


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who had more fun

Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?"

"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."

Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?"

Keep the changes

One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile. 


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nodding politely

I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue. "Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!" I managed to blurt out.

"Yes," he said, nodding politely, "I know."

look for Dad

A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. "I understand your father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried.

"Yes, he was," the man replied.

"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"

"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."

he will never be a father

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

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I haven't got the patience

Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?

Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.

I painted the vase

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."



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she's marrying your father

"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.

"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"

"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."

"And the bad news?"

"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."

Last I knew

An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."


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Now I have two skunks in there

"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"

they'd chuck me in

A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."

It's called a soldier

As a newly commissinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle. While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16's bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.

"Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with," the soldier said.

"They do," piped up a sergeant.

"Really," I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.

"Yes, sir," replied the sergeant. "It's called a soldier."

I didn't know that I was so far back already

A big battle was going on during the First World War. Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere. After an hour of this, one of the soldier decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle. After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him. The officer stopped him and said, "Where are you going?"

"I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battle that's going on behind us, sir." the soldier answered.

"Do you know who I am?" the officer said to him angerly. "I'm your commanding officer."

The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, "My God, I didn't know that I was so far back already!"

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e want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point

My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."

The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area. After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.

Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant issued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h. I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep's speed so exactly. "I was jogging to get to the PX before it closed," he explained, "and as I passed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h."

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He's not doing any digging,

The squad were having "visual training". One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:

"Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir."

"Right; but how do you know there's a sergeant there?"

"He's not doing any digging, sir."

He got the job.

My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"

"Yes, sir." he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."

He got the job.


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That last man took two steps before his uniform moved

During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved."

ENTRANCE

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".


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I don't care what you do

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?"

"Look, fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it."

which way the wind is blowing

"This house," said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman.

A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite."


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about three whistles

I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."

Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.

not fly

The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly." 

Before the store opened

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."

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I can't hear out of my left ear

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

Three famous surgeons

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."

"That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."


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I finally gave up

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home.

Imitate birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.

Bruno bit the mail carrier

In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder.

"We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card."

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my first job

Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.

I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.

where were you Monday and Tuesday

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

A very bad impression

Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

I should have brought my wife

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

A very bad impression

Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

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I should have brought my wife

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

A Soldier's Idea

Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.


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It stands for cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

You just shut that door

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

An old gentleman

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!


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We're still on the ground

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

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Two trips

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."

Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

Give me whatever you prefer

Give me whatever you prefer
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
"Cloth of leather?" asked the salesperson.

"Makes no difference, "replied customer.
"What color?" asked the clerk.
"Any," he responded.
"Size?"
"Give me whatever you prefer," the gentleman said, slightly
exasperated. "My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them."

So is the cat

So is the cat
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
" What\'s in your box?" asked the friend.

"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I\'ve been dreaming about mice at night and I\'m so scared! This cat is to catch them."
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

Mom\'s here

Mom\'s here?
One evening I drove my husband\'s car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
 most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom\'s here?"



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Usually brown

Usually brown
THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."

Are you single

When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
    "Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
    "So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"

The Cheater

The Cheater
Donald was not very good at math.
He could not understand the teacher's explanations.
Even when the teacher explained something a second time,Donald still could not understand it.
"Never mind,"Donald told himself."I'm quite good at other subjects.I'll cheat in the math exam,then I won't be in trouble."
"I'll sit next to the boy who's best at math,"he thought,"and copy down his answers."
The day of the exam came, and Donald sat next to Brian Smith,who always was at the top of the class in math.
Donald carefully copied Btian's answers on to his own exam paper.
At the end of the exam, the teacher collected the papers and graded them.
Then she said,"Well,boys and girls,I've decided to give aprize to the student who got the highest grade.It's difficult for me to decide who to give the prize to, however, because two students, Donald and Brian,got the same grade."
"Let them share it,"one of the other student said.
"I've thought about that," the teacher said,"but I've decided to give the prize to Brian."
Donald was angry when he heard this.
He stood up and said,"That's not fair.I got the same grade as Brian."
"That's ture,"the teacher said."However, Brian's answer to Question 18 was'I don't know'.Yours was 'Neither do I'."


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Bad Business

Bad Business
A salesman was chatting with the owner of a motel."Business is terrible,"said the motel owner."Really bad."
"But every time I drive by here you have the 'no vacancy' sign on."said the salesman.
"That's true."replied the motel owner."But I used to turn away 30 to 35people a night.Now, I only turn away 10 to 15."

A Prospective Horse Buyer

A Prospective Horse Buyer
Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A propective buyer was impresses with the animal,but the preacher said,"I must warn you-he only responds to 'church talk'. Go is'Praise the Lord', and stop is'Hallelujah'".
"I've worked with horse all my life," said the buyer,"and I've never heard of anything like this." Mounting the horse,he said skeptically,"Praise the Lord." The horse began to trot. He repeated"Praise the Lord" and horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled"Hallelujah", and they came to a stop a foot from the edge.
Wiping the sweat from hid brow, the buyer said,"Praise the Lord!"

This Hole in the Ground

This Hole in the Ground
There was once a farmer who lived near a road.
It was not a busy road, but from time to time, cars passed the farm.
Near the farm gate, there was a large hole in the road.
This hole was always full of water,and the drivers of the cars could not see how deep the hole was. They thought it was probably shallow.
Then when they drove into the hole, they could not drive out because it was so deep.
The farmer did it, he pulled her car out with his tractor and charged the driver a lot of money for doing this.
One day, the driver of a car said to him,"You must make a lot of money pulling cars out of this hole night and day."
"Oh,no,"the farmer said."I don't pull cars out of the hole atnight. All night I fill the hole with water."

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The Mistaken Father

The Mistaken Father
The morning following the birth of our first child, my husband was mistakenly directed to the room of another new mother on the maternity floor. As he walked into the room, he bent over the napping mother, whose back was turned to him, and gave her a big kiss. The woman was started to see a stranger. But before she could say anything, my husband smiled and said,"I didn't know having a bady would change you this much!"

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That's What They All Say

That's What They All Say
While sitting on the bleachers during my youngest son's baseball game, I overheard another mother talking about her three-year-old daughter, who was playing with a neighter's boy. The little girl kept saying to the boy,"Marry me. Marry me." The little boy innocently replied,"I want to play first."
At this,the mother turned to all of the parents on the bleachers and announced,"That's what they all say!"

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A Midshipman

A Midshipman
One of my fellow midshiopman at the US. Naval Acade my was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling."Your marks are deplorable!" the officer scolded."Is there a problem that has kept you from your studies?"
"No,sir," the midshipman replied."I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I'm never late to class. I don't even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don't seem to like me."
The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked," Do you get enough sleep?"
My classmate replied,"Sir, do you mean at night or in class?"

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Not Here

Not Here
Kathy and Polly were friends, but they liked playing tricks an each other.
One day kathy met Polly in the street. She said,"Hi, polly. It's good to see you."
"How can you see me when I'm not here?"Polly asked.
"What do you mean, you are not here?" Kathy asked." Of course you're here."
"No,I'm not."Polly said."and I'll bet you ten dollars that I can prove I'm not here."
"All right."said Kathy."Ten dollars. Now prove you're nothere."
"Easy," Polly aid,"Am I in Hong Kong?"
"No,"said kathy.
"Am I in Paris?"
"No," said Kathy.
"If I'm not in Hong Kong and I'm not in Paris," Polly said,"then I must be somewhere else.Right?"
"Right," said Kathy."You must be somewhere else."
"Exactly." said Polly."And if I'm somewhere else I can't be here, can I? Ten dollars, please."
"That's very clever, Polly," Kathy said,"but i can't give you ten dollars."
"Why not?" asked Polly."We had a bet."
"Certainly we bad a bet." Kathy said," but how can I give you ten dollars if you are neo here?"
And with a laugh she walked away.

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The Story of a Snail

The Story of a Snail
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergeney room, he was asked what caused the accident.
"I really can't remember," the snail repied."You see, it all happened so fast."

Point of No Return

Point of No Return
My husband ordered home delivery of our local newspaper. Because we live in rural area where no street numbers are used, I was concerned that the carrier would have trouble finding us. Sure enough, we missed delivery several days despite frequent calls to the circulation department. Finally I phoned to cancel the subscription." You'll have to tell me your exact location," the woman in the line said."We can't cancel the subscription unless we know where you live.

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On Me a Favor

On Me a Favor
The mechanic was very busy when I took my car in for repairs, so I settled down in the waiting room with a book I'd brought along. The mechanic was in and out answering calls, and at one point he stopped and looked at me. "Would you do me a favor and flip back a few pages when someone comes in? That way it won't look as if you've been here all day."

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Good Thing He Has You

Good Thing He Has You
While I was talking to a parent of one of my third-grade studengts, another teacher walked by. The mother, remarking how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she paused and added,"Good thing he has you."

The Very Last Birthday

The Very Last Birthday
When I was approaching 50, I announced to my three grown children that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday and that they could phone me instead of sending a gift. At first they protested, but finally they agreed to go along with my wish. So when the doorbell rang on the morning of my birthday, I was surprised to see the florist delivering a huge, beautiful plant. Suddenly, without a word, she rushed back to the truck and, with a sad look, turned once to glance at me. Puzzled, I read the card attached to the plant:"To Mom-with lots of love-on your very last birthday."

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Wouldn't You Know

Wouldn't You Know
I accompanied my eight-months-pregnant wife to her monthy checkup. We boarded the hospital's elevator to go to the appropriate floor. The only other passenger was an elderly man who studied her intently and then said,"Boy."
Without another word,he got off at his floor.I was about to tell my wife how strange I thought he was acting when suddenly I realized she was wearing a T-shirt sporting the "Guess?" logo.

A Call from a Frog

A Call from a Frog
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says,"This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No,"says the psychic."Next semester in her biology class."

The Judge's Pistol

The Judge's Pistol
One day Mel Martin stopped by the chambers of a judge with whom he had lunch appointment. As his friend changed from robe jacket, Martin noticed a shiny black pistol holstered to the judge's shoulder.
The judge was not a frearms enthusiast, so Martin asked him why he was carrying it. His friend said that because of recent threats he had borrowed the pistol from the repository of confiscated weapons. Holding it up,the judge said,"I chose this one because it's so mean-looking,yet it hardly weighs a thing. I hope I don't need it, because I don't even know how to load it."
"It's not hard,"Martin said,examining it closely."We can fill it at the water fountain on the way out."

The Shepherd and the Bureaucrat

The Shepherd and the Bureaucrat
A bureaucrat was hiking when he came upon a shephend tending a large flock. The bureaccrat took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd, "If I can guess how many there are, may I have one?" The shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number, so he agreed.
The bureaucrat guesses,"You have 287 sheep." The shepherd was astonished, since this was exactly right.
"Can I pick out my sheep now?" asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the bureaucrat slung it over his shoulders to carry home.
The shrpherd got an idea." If I guess your occupation,"he said,"May I have my sheep back?" The bureaucrat was surprised figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along."You're a bureaucrat," announced the shepherd.
Amazed, the bureaucrat asked,"How did you know?"
The shepherd replied,"Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."


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The Long and Short of It

The Long and Short of It
Although I had never met him, I knew that my grand father had been five feet, six inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feel, eleven inches. As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together. "Grandma," I asked, "how could you have fallen in love with a man five inches shorter than you ?"
She turned to me. "Honey," she said,"we fell in love sitting down, and when I stood up, it was too late."

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You Let Me Search Quite

You Let Me Search Quite
Once upon a time, there was a man sho always forgot things. One day, he wwent out with his little son. He was so happy that he put the son ride his neck.
After a time, he suddenly thought of his son, he asked people:"Have you seen my child?"
One of his villages laughed and said:"Don't you know he is on your neck?"
Hearing this, the man took down his son from his neck, he was so angry that he hit the son in the face; then shouted:"I have told you not to go here and there. Where did you go just now?


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Ways and Means

A man handed a pair of slacks to the department store clerk. "I'd like these altered, please," he said. The clerk asked for the sales receipt, but after searching his pockets, the man replied he han lost it.
The clerk informed him that it was store policy not to do free alterations without a receipt.
"Okay,then," the man said,"I'd like to return the slacks."The clerk processed the return and gave him cash equaling the cost of the slacks.
The man pushed the money back across the counter. "Now I want to buy the slacks,"he said. The clerk ranf up the sale, bagged the slacks and handed them to him with a receipt.
Triumphantly,he put the slacks and the receipt in the counter."I'd like to have these altered,please."

Pears and Plums & She is Left-handed

Pears and Plums
I bought some pears at my local supermarket. At the checkout counter the cashier commented, "Oh, dear, I've charged you for plums instead of pears." "What's the difference?" I asked. "Well," she said,"plums are smaller and round."

She is Left-handed
A married souple, both avid herve leger dresses golfers, were discussing the futher one night."Honey," the wife said," if I were to die  and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"How about our car?" continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
 "What about golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

The Big Bady

The Big Bady
"You'll have to take care of the bady today," a woman told her husband."I'm not feeling well."
"Then you must stay in bed and rest,dear."her husband said."I'll be pleased to look after our bady."
"Thank you. I'll have a quite day and I'll soon get better."his wife like herve leger dresses told him.
"Shall I do the shopping for you as well?" her husband asked.
She was very pleased and said,"That will help me very much. I'll give you a list of things to buy."
She wrote out the list and gave it to him.
"You can get all these things at the supermarket," she said.
"You can put the bady in the shopping cart, then you won't have to leave him outside."
The man took the bady to the supermarket and put him in the shopping cart. Then he pushed the shopping cart along the rows of things to buy and looked for those that were in his list.
At first all was well, but then the bady began to cry.
Then he started to scream.
And scream! And Scream!
"Keep calm, George," the man said."Don't get excited. Don't shout, George. Don't lose your temper, George."
A woman in the supermarket heard him saying these things, She walked up to him.
"I think you are wonderful," she said." You are so patient with your little George."
"Madam,"the man said,"I'm George. He's Edward."

My Roommate & I Can't Stop Now

My Roommate
My roommate was interested in a young man in her English literature class, but she was too shy to let him know. One day she overheard him say he was on his way to the library for a certain book.
She rushed to the library, found the book and stuck in it a letter from her mother.
"Why would he want to read a letter from my mother?" I asked.
"He wouldn't, but if he's any kind of gentleman, he'll return it to me." Her dorm and room numbers were on the envelope, of course.
The next day he appeared with the letter and asked my room-mate out on a date."Couldn't fail," she later told me."The book was Great Expectations."

I Can't Stop Now
The woman in herve leger bandage dress ahead of me in a long line at the department of motor vehicles was reading a paperback romance novel. I inched along behind her and when her turn finally came, she stepped aside, saying "You go on ahead. I can't stop now. He's just carried her into his castle!"

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A Stubborn Horse & Looking for a Companion

A Stubborn Horse
The great novelist had gone mad, but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For six months, he had been sitting at his type writer pounding out a novel. Fianlly, he pronounced it completed and brought the book to his psychiatrist, who eagerly began reading it aloud:"General Jackson leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled, 'Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, giddyap..." The doctor thumbed through the rest of the manuscript. "There's nothing here but 500 pages of giddyap!"he exclaimed.
"Stubborn horse," explained the writer.

Looking for a Companion
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate:"I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer:"Marry a penguin."

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Get a Job & 12 Post Cards

Get a Job
One day shortly after I had come home from college, my father was outside doing yard work. He found a bady bird under a tree and assumed it had fallen from its nest. Wanting to return the tiny creature to its home, my dad went to get a ladder. When he got back, he found another bady bird on the ground.
Suddenly he heard a loud chirping from above. Looking up, my father saw the mother bird giving a third baby the boot from its nest. With that, Dad walked into our house, took one look at me watching television and barked, "Get a job!"

12 Post Cards
My teen-age daughter was preparing to return home after having visited her grandparents for a few weeks one summer. Her grandfather gave her 12 post cards.
"Here, write us a few lines every month," he said.
Months passed and the cards remained unused-that is until the day this letter arrived:
"Dear Jennifer,
Life is a series of stages.
As a child, I looked forward to becoming a teenager-that happened.
As a teen-ager, I looked forward to becoming a young man-that happened.
As a young man, I looked forward to meeting a young woman, falling in love and becoming a married man-that happened.
As a married man, I looked forward to becoming a father-that happened.
As a father, I looked forward to becoming a grandfather to beautiful, intelligent grandchildren-that happened.
Then I looked forward to the day they would learn to write-that hasn't happened yet.
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I'm a Police Officer & A Business Trip

I'm a Police Officer
When my husband, jack, was a police officer, he once approached a home guarded by two ferocious dogs. They lunched at the screen door with such force that it opened, and they tore out into the yard.
Thingking quickly, Jack stepped into the house, closing the door tightly behind him. "It's all right, ma'am," he reassured the homeowner. " I'm a police officer."
"Not a very brave one," she observed.

A Business Trip
On a business trip to India, a colleague of mine arrived at the airport in Dilhi. He took a taxi to his hotel, where he was greeded by his hospitable Indian host. The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare, which seemed reasonable, so my friend handed him the money.
But the host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worhtless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. The host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return.
As the taxi sped off, the host gave the remaining bills to my colleague and asked him how his trip had been. "Fine," the bussinessman replied, "until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."

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A Plumber & A Tough Teacher

A Plumber
My daughter Jude, who works for a plumbing company, found herself in need of a plumber at home. When she got to work, she asked that a plumber be sent. For several days her request was ignored.
In desperation, as she departed ine afternoon she left her boss this note:" I will come to work in the morning as soon as a plumber gets to my house." One arrived shortly before 7 a.m.

A Tough Teacher
A school teacher friend of mine in jurred his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. On his first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he was assigned to teach the most undisciplined class. Stepping confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible. Just then, a strong breeze made his tie flag. Trying to fix the tie, he took a blackboard eraser and hammered a large tack through his tie into his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

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A Woman Who Fell & My Wife Thinks So

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal. As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman who wore a herve leger dress sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.I think she like the fashionable herve leger dresses. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women falling at your feet?"

My Wife Thinks So
Reading water meters in an unfamiliar part of town, I came upon a house with no number. Then I noticed an elderly man gardening at the first house on that block.
"Excuse me," I said to him. "Are you Number One?" He smiled and replied, "My wife thingks so!"

I've Just Bitten My Tongue & Savingg Grace

 I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue!"

Savingg Grace
Vacationing in Hawaii, I brought a lot of herve leger dresses ,my husband and I went out to dinner one night at one of its finest restaurants. When presented with the check, my husband reached into his pocket for his wallet, but somehow lost his balance and fell over. As the people at the table looked on in astonishment, he said,"The food was delicious-but wait till you get your bill!"

I Want to Get Out & I Never Work after Supper

I Want to Get Out
A bat owner locked up his place at 2 a.m. and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. "What time do you open up in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. "Listen," the owner shouted, "there's no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn't let a person in your condition in ."
" I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I want to get out."

I Never Work after Supper
A boss who have a store of herve leger dresses didn't want his staff to stop working. One morning, he told the staff, "It's such a nuisance to come in from the shop, wash up for lunch and take time to eat. Why don't we save time and eat lunch now?"
The staff agreed. The boss's wife brought in some cold meat and fried potatoes, and the staff ate again.
When he had finished, the boss said, "While we're still at the table, let's have supper too." He was now served steak, boiled potatoes and mixed vegetables, and he ate once again.
"Now that the meals are out of the way, " the boss announced, " we can go out and work all day without interruption."
"Oh, no," the staff answered. " I never work after supper."

It Seemed like Hours & Mother's Feet

It Seemed like Hours

As a band instructor at an elementary school, I require my students to turn in practice sheets signed by their parents so I can be sure they are putting in enough time. I had to laugh, however, when one parent wrote on her child's sheet, "Practiced 17 minutes, but it seemed like hours."


Mother's Feet
To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about the herve leger dresses. As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet. My mother had been talking for about a half hour when to her great embarrassment: she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.

A Pleasant Surprise & A Clever Dog

A Pleasant Surprise

A friend of mine had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed.
A few days later a neighbor came over to visit my friend. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."



A Clever Dog
A dog owner claimed that his pet, when given money, would go to the news stall to buy a paper. His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money. The dog trotted off, but an hour later he had still not returned with the paper.
"How much did you give him?" asked the owner.
"Five dollars."
"Well, that explains it. When you give him five dollars, he gose to a movie."

A Challenging Hunt & You're Not Going to Make It

A Challenging Hunt

   A woman answered her front door and found two boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we are on a treasure hunt, and we need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dallar."
   "Wow," the woman replied, "who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
   "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."


You're Not Going to Make It
   Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.
   "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said," but there are three things you can do to ensure his sursival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day.
   On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
   "Im sorry," she said, "but you're not going to make it."

Whose Dog Was the Smartest & What Will Be the Headine

Whose Dog Was the Smartest

   Four friends were arguing over whose dog was the smartest. The first man, an engineer, called to his dog, "T Square, show your stuff." The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out a paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.
   The next guy, an accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule, go ahead." The dog went to the kitchen, nibbled opened a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.
   The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fright, took out a quart of milk and poured out exactly eighty ounces into a measuring cup.
   The last man was a goverment worker. "Coffee Break," he hollered to his dog, "go to it." With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.


What Will Be the Headine

   When a man in Macon, Ga, came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
   The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
   "Well, then," the reporter said, " the headling will probably say,'Geotgia Man saves Child by Killing Dog.'"
   "Actuallyn" the man said,"I'm from Connecticut."
   "In that case," the reporter said in a huff," the headline will read, 'Yankee kills Family Pet.'"

I'm Going to Let My Chauffeur Answer It & Where Do You Want These Blinds

I'm Going to Let My Chauffeur Answer It
   A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heared your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the right off."
   "Sounds great," the scientist said.
   When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled in the back now. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
   "Yes," said one proffessor. Then he launched into a highly technicial question.
   The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied, "so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it."

Where Do You Want These Blinds
   A drill sergeant orderer two young female recruits to paint a room in the barracks, stressing that they not get any paint on their uniforms. Doubtfuly they could avoid ruining their clothes, the women locked the door, stripped naked and painted in nude. After about an hour they heard a knock at the door.
   "Who is it?" asked one of the women.
   "Blind man," came the reply. Seeing no harm in letting a blind man in, they opened the door.
   "Wow, what knockouts!" the man said with surprise. "now, where do you want these blinds?"

An Adult Decision & We're on That Mountain Over There

An Adult Decision
  The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one. He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adlut decisions. Sure enough, a few days after his 18th birthday, he came home with a tattoo. Although I was  not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculinity he had chosen. There, on his shoulder, was a two-inch image of Mickey Mouse.

We're on That Mountain Over There
  My son and I became lost while high in the southern Rockies. I immediately went to work with my map and compass to deter mine where we had gone off course. My son, an electronics engineer, produced from his pack a hand-held Global Positioning System receiver.
  "I know exactly where we are," he proudly announced, after carefully locking the instrument on four satellites high above the earth and checking his map. "We're on that mountain over there!"

The Attraction of the Map & What Grade

The Attraction of the Map
    Mr. Smith taught English at a school. At the beginning of his lesson, he liked to have one of his students give a report on any subject. When it was Jack's turn, he told his audience about his elder brother who was a local worker. But during the report, his eyes were staring at the world map on the wall all the time. Mr. Smith knew that Jack didn't look at the audience because he was nervous. He said to Jack jokingly, "We can see you miss your brother very much. But is he OK, now in South America?"

What Grade
    Kristin, my 17-year-old niece, had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked,"What grade, miss?"
    "Eleventh!" Krestin replied.